But to Her I Taste of Nothing at All
by charliesweasley
Summary: A Jemily high school AU.


It had been three weeks since Emily Prentiss performed at the arts night her high school held. Three very long weeks of having to constantly remind people that she's not, in fact, gay but bisexual. Three exhausting weeks of getting variations of "You're just confused.", "Don't worry you'll figure out whether you're straight or gay soon enough." Three tiring weeks of being ignored by some people she considered friends who apparently no longer want anything to do with her because now she's suddenly tainted, suddenly not good enough. However long, exhausting or tiring those three weeks had been she still had some good moments.

Some moments where her true friends, as clichéd as that phrase sounded that's what they were, had shown up on her doorstep to remind her that they loved her, that she was more than enough and that whether she was dating a boy, a girl or anyone else they loved her regardless and they would always be there to support her and, of course, interrogate the shit out of whoever she dates as well as constantly ask who the 'she' she referred to in her song was. She had never been more grateful for these five people. Penelope Garcia, Derek Morgan, Aaron Hotchner, David Rossi and Spencer Reid seemed to have always been in her life. When in reality it had probably only been for 8 years, but she didn't want to think of a life where they weren't there. Of course there was usually a 6th member of the group, the subject of Emily's song, who had been with them less time, but Emily had not heard from her since three weeks prior, the weekend right after arts night.

-THREE WEEKS EARLIER-

Jennifer Jareau, JJ to everyone but her mother, had been there to witness Emily's subtle but somehow grand (after all she was a Prentiss, it was go big or go home, everyone was pretty sure that was engraved on a family crest somewhere) way of coming out but had disappeared soon after she hugged the singer after her performance and whispered a quick "Congratulations, I'm so proud of you." in her ear. Emily hadn't paid much thought to the unusually fast departure until the weekend when she asked JJ via text if she wanted to hang out and all she got as a reply was, "Sorry, really busy.". No 'xo', no kissy face emoji attached to the end of the sentence, just a very blunt, straight to the point reply. Now Emily wouldn't have found this odd if the blonde girl had added any of the aforementioned attachments that usually appear in messages between the two or called her by the nickname only she used, 'E'.

For the majority of the weekend she felt terrified that JJ may have figured out the song she sang had been about her. Emily had been completely enamoured with the girl since she had sat by the lonely brunette in a class they shared and immediately started talking about her weekend and how much she just adored Emily's shirt back in 6th grade. Emily attempted to push the lack of reply to the back of her mind assuming she'd get an explanation on the following Monday during 1st period Legal Studies. They both breezed through that class so it was usually where they did their weekend catch ups but when Monday rolled around JJ was nowhere to be seen, not in 1st period legal studies, or in 3rd period Ancient History. Emily wasn't even able to ask the others at lunch where JJ might be because she'd had to retake an exam she'd missed last week when her mother requested her attendance at yet another political function. While Emily didn't mind missing the awkward stares in the cafeteria she presumed she'd get the moment she walked in, the same awkward stares she'd been getting all day from several people in her grade, she was itching to find out where her best friend of 6 years was. She couldn't help but worry that her best friend no longer wanted to see her because of her sexuality, although Emily was certain JJ would never do that to her there was no way of rationalising the fear that came along when people found something like this out. When the last class they shared together came around JJ was still not there despite Emily's hope that the shorter girl had just missed her morning classes. Emily got her phone out and sent a text hoping it didn't sound as desperate as she felt.

Waiting for a reply from JJ gave Emily plenty of time to rationalise reasons the girl might be away, the list included: illness, JJ just didn't want to come to school, she had family stuff, maybe a family holiday, possibly avoiding an exam, maybe JJ figured out how hopelessly and desperately in love Emily was with her. "Nope, no, definitely not the last one. Get a grip Prentiss." Emily thought to herself. She couldn't help but feel hurt that today had to be the day JJ didn't come to school, she had really wanted JJ there to lean on as it was the first day she was openly out and JJ had always been there for her so why wasn't she there now? The school bell rand signalling the end of class and, thankfully, the end of the day meaning Emily could go home and wallow in self-pity and worry as well as maybe get some answers. Before she could get what she needed from her locker and escape what she liked to think of as purgatory, hell was reserved for Ambassador Balls and political functions, her friends came around the corner eyeing her off as if she was prey. "There's my beautiful bisexual babe!" Penelope exclaimed. Emily shook her head with a smile on her face as she shut her locker. While she was usually embarrassed by certain nicknames the exuberant girl gave her but this one she liked, this one she could get used to because it meant her friends were still there, it meant she no longer had to hide a part of herself and it honestly meant the world to her.

"Hey Princess." Derek greeted while leaning on the locker next to hers. He continued "We missed you at lunch; I hope the reason was a good one." Emily recognised it as his way of asking if she skipped out because the stares were getting to her and she felt her heart constrict a little knowing her friends were there for her.

"Had a catch up exam, blame my mother." She replied with a smirked. "Hey did any of you see Jayje today? Or know why she wasn't here?" she continued. The group of misfits around her looked at each other with confusion until Hotch said "Yeah she sent us all a text this morning saying she wouldn't be at school for a little over two and a half weeks, didn't you get the text?" As soon as she registered what he said about a million thoughts went through her head. Most of them consisting of, 'why didn't she tell me?', 'is she alright?', 'she didn't tell me for a reason', 'why didn't she tell me?' each thought sounding sadder as they continued.

Emily's face remained impassive as her friends watched the news sink in, the result of having a political mother. No one was sure if Emily's ability to compartmentalise was a blessing or a curse and, if she was being completely honest, she didn't know either. A short amount of time passed without any reaction from the dark haired girl causing Spencer to ask if she was okay. Emily recovered quickly replying with a firm reassurance that she was fine but had another political function to go to soon. Attempting to make a quick exit to analyse what she'd just been told she said goodbye to her friends and drove home as fast as she could without breaking any speeding laws, her mother would fucking kill her if she got another fine.

-PRESENT DAY-

So here Emily was, laying in her bed on a Saturday afternoon watching reruns of Veronica Mars while her friends got ready for a party she refused to go to. It had been three weeks since her friend disappeared from school without so much as a text to Emily about it. It had been two and a half weeks since she finally got a reply from the girl she was in love with apologising for not telling her but not adding any further explanation. It had been 1 week since Pen had told her 'the blonde beauty' would be back in town on Wednesday but not at school until the following week. It had been 3 days since the girl who had ignored all her texts returned and it had been 2 hours since she heard her phone ding with a message saying there was a party to welcome back the girl who Emily refused to say by name.

Emily had received the message from Derek who had added an embarrassing amount of emoji's on the end of the invite. Emily knew the party wasn't really a welcome home celebration that it was more of a 'let's use this as an excuse to get drunk'. After all, the girl was gone less than three weeks it's not like anything really changed within that time. Oh, except, ya know, Emily's entire life.

While most people she knew had been accepting of her sexuality there had been a few that attempted to give her a hard time for it, one of which had been her mother. The older Prentiss hadn't outright said she disapproved but there had been small comments here and there about a 'phase' and about the man Emily will marry, as though a woman wasn't even an option. Now, Emily Prentiss was strong and she could get through just about anything, obviously, but maybe… maybe this once she needed someone to lean on and when the person she needs to lean on isn't there and hasn't given her any indication why they aren't, well, it gets exhausting waiting for their help. With all that in mind Emily sent back a text making up some bullshit excuse about another one of her mother's functions. She didn't forget to add at least three crying face emoji's to the end of the text to keep Derek satisfied.

On one hand laying in bed knowing her friends were going to have a good night and she was probably going to marathon all the way through to the worst season of Veronica Mars would have made any sane teenager feel sad but it Emily felt relieved. She wouldn't have to face JJ, she wouldn't have to attempt to keep her emotions to herself and she wouldn't have to fake a good time. On the other hand, she hadn't seen JJ in three weeks which was the longest they'd ever actually been apart in the entire time they'd known each other. Although she wished she didn't, Emily wanted to see her so badly. Every time she thought about her she felt her stomach tighten and her eyes water. Being in love with someone who didn't love her back was hard enough but being in love with her best friend who had ignored her for so long was so much harder.

What hurt more than anything was the fact that one of her best friends hadn't been there for her while a major change in her life occurred. Being ignored by a friend happened occasionally, that was life, that was friendship but being ignored by her best friend with no explanation? It hurt her more than words could express and if she wasn't so goddamn in love with JJ she'd hate everything about the girl for making her feel confused and angry on top of everything else.

Looking out the window Emily could see it was raining, she had no idea when it started because she'd been so lost in her thoughts. She turned back to her laptop and closed the lid with a sigh. There were too many things going through her mind to even focus on Veronica Mars right now. Emily stood from her bed and was just about to open the door when she heard a tapping on her window. She froze. Only one person used the window as an entry to the brunette's room and it was the one person she was torn about seeing. She turned when she heard another knock and could faintly make out the shadow of the girl who consumed her thoughts.

If she was being honest she wasn't sure she was going to let the, now soaking wet, girl in but knowing JJ's tendency to get sick from the slightest chill, she took pity on her. Truthfully though, the blonde girl didn't really deserve pity right now. JJ met Emily's eye as she opened the window and a small hesitant smile graced her face. Her smile was met with Emily's thin lipped resting bitch face which made JJ flinch. As Emily moved to sit on the bed JJ faltered for a moment but before she could take another step Emily spoke up.

"What do you want, JJ? Shouldn't you be at a party seeing as you're the guest of honour?" This took both of them by surprise, Emily didn't intend to speak but her mouth had betrayed her and the indignant tone she used had slightly shocked JJ. Emily had never used that tone with her, it was usually reserved for teachers and certain political leaders who weren't aware it was her way of saying 'fuck you'. JJ stared for a moment before saying with a small uncertain smile and a voice full of hope "Well, maybe a towel?"

Emily reached behind herself without breaking eye contact and threw a towel to JJ. As the drenched girl attempted to towel dry her hair she looked down, breaking eye contact and continued, " I, uh, I don't really know. I didn't have a plan, or a speech prepared before I came I just thought that I, no I knew that I had to see you. I haven't seen or really talked to you in three weeks which is probably a record for us." JJ joked weakly.

As soon as JJ uttered the last sentence Emily saw red "And whose fucking fault is that?" Emily shouted, standing up from the bed to face her. JJ had the decency to look ashamed.  
"I deserved that, I probably deserved worse than that. I know, E, I know. It's my fault and I just, I needed some time." Replied to the now almost crying girl. Emily's heart broke seeing the girl she loved on the verge of tears because of her but she deserved an explanation and she wasn't letting those tears get in the way of that.

"Needed some time for what? Please enlighten me to what you needed some time for and why it involved ignoring me for three fucking weeks but being able to still text the others updates. A simple 'hey Em, I'm okay just thinking over some things I'll message you when I feel up to talking!'. Hell even a smiley face and kissy face emoji would have been enough but you ignored every single goddamn message I sent. You ignored every single message until the one where I pleaded for you to reply and all I got was a half assed explanation. You know I deserve more than that especially after these last few weeks. I needed you, Jayje, I really did and you couldn't even fucking tell me why you weren't here when I needed you." Emily ended her rant red faced and panting but she didn't care, not even the slightest. It drove her crazy seeing JJ in her room and not being able to embrace her happily and pretend it was just like any other reunion they'd had when one of them had been away.

"I needed time to figure out myself and my feelings and I…I'm so sorry I've hurt you. I am so fucking sorry I left you when you needed me please believe how sorry I am. I know you deserve so much better than that and god you, you deserve so fucking much better than me. You deserve the world, Em." JJ apologised, stepping away and turning so Emily couldn't see more of her tears. It was silent following the apology while Jennifer tried to get her crying under control and Emily tried to register everything JJ had just said.

"What the actual fuck do you mean I deserve better than you?" Emily questioned, breaking the silence. When JJ didn't reply or even react Emily took two step towards her, placed her hands on her shoulders and spun the blonde girl around to face her. When they were finally facing each other JJ reluctantly looked up into the taller girls eyes and saw confusion while all Emily could see was tears.

"Why are you crying?" Emily asked her confusion turning into concern. She couldn't help it, while the anger about the whole situation was still present she couldn't just stand there and watch the girl she loved cry, especially when those tears were because of her. "Jen, what do you mean I deserve better than you?" JJ couldn't speak properly, being so close to Emily and hearing her say 'Jen' was enough to make the poor girl want to bury her face in the others neck and collapse into her arms. Instead JJ looked Emily in the eye for the first time since she started crying and said with a sigh "I mean you deserve better than someone who will ignore you just because she can't figure out her own feelings."

Emily's perplexed look intensified as she attempted to decipher what JJ truly meant considering the girl had essentially repeated what she had originally said anyway. "Jayje as pissed as I am and as much as I want an apology, you're still one of my best friends and unless this conversation somehow goes worse than the last three weeks have been you don't need to cry or say shit like that. Let's be real, this shit happens between friends all the time." Emily stated, grabbing the other girls hand. However angry and hurt she was the direction of this conversation had confused the hell out of her and she wasn't about to let JJ think badly about herself.

"That's the thing E, it doesn't happen to us." JJ replied with a sad expression. "Think about it, when was the last time we had a fight?" Emily realised the girl was right, they'd actually never had a fight this bad, the longest they'd purposely ignored each other had been 3 hours over some dumbass reason neither could actually remember. They weren't the type of people to do this and that realisation seemed to hurt both girls more than expected. "You deserve an explanation Em and I got Pen just drunk enough so that she wouldn't notice me leave the party early. I did that specifically so I could give you even a small part of the apology you deserve."

Hearing this reminded Emily why she was pissed in the first place. Letting the smaller girls hand go and taking a step back, "So, let me hear this apology then." She demanded in her hardened tone usually reserved for politicians or her mother. She crossed her hands over her chest as she waited for JJ to give her at least some small explanation she'd been waiting weeks for. "I, uh, I don't really know where to start." JJ stated with extreme trepidation.

"How about you start at arts night?" Emily suggested passively as JJ's eyes widen slightly realising Emily made some sort of connection between her reason for leaving and the arts night. Fear sets in JJ's stomach as her mind struggles to articulate everything she wants Emily to know. And goddamn does JJ want the dark haired girl to know everything.

"Okay, well." she starts, slightly faltering. "Arts night...arts night was amazing and very, very confusing." Seeing the look of hurt flash across the face of the girl she was supposed to be apologising to made her reassure the girl "Don't get me wrong your performance was incredible I absolutely adored everything about it. I adore you, E and I'm so sorry I left so quickly after you had just come out. That's a huge deal and I'm so happy you're comfortable with yourself now. Please know that I never meant to come off as not supportive, I'm so proud of you and I'm so sorry I put you through the last three weeks alone."

Emily moved to sit on the bed and motioned for JJ to sit too. "Okay so that's an average apology but that's not really the explanation I was looking for. Jen you left right after I came out, you left me with one word of encouragement and I didn't hear from you for weeks. I thought... I thought you hated me. I was so scared you thought I wasn't worth your friendship anymore because of who I am. Honestly Jayje nothing hurt more than knowing my best friend might be disgusted in me for who I might love. It didn't even hurt more than my own mother ignoring my sexuality and that, that hurt a hell of a lot." JJ gasped when she heard what Emily said about her mother. If JJ didn't know how badly she'd fucked up by not being there for Emily she sure as hell did now.

Not being one to feel comfortable broadcasting her feelings Emily shuffled awkwardly on the bed waiting for a reply. Hearing the rustle of the sheets seemed to snap JJ out of her daze, realising she hadn't replied she almost kicked herself. How could she ever make up for making Emily feel that? How could she ever get Emily to trust her to be there ever again? How had she fucked up so badly? All these questions racing through JJ's mind prompted her to clarify, "Oh Em, I'm so, fuck. I can't even properly articulate how sorry I am right now. Fuck I can't believe. I just. Fuck.". However amusing it was to watch the usually graceful, professional girl pace the length of her bedroom flustered she was glad JJ was finally understanding just how much this had hurt her. Seeing the blonde girl stop pacing, take a deep breath and turn towards her didn't give Emily enough time to prepare for what she was about to hear.

"I didn't leave because I was disgusted by you or who you might love. I could never be disgusted by you. I left because I was confused about who I love." The last sentence was spoken so quietly Emily wasn't sure if she even heard correctly. Looking up at JJ from her place on the bed she questioned, "Who do you love?" and if either girl heard a hint of hopefulness in her voice they didn't mention it. Emily held her breath as she waited for JJ's answer. JJ looked as if she'd rather get stabbed than answer but she took another deep breath and replied, "The same person I've loved for the past four years, maybe even longer."

Emily felt her entire body deflate, it felt like she'd been kicked in the stomach and punched in the face. No, actually Emily had in fact been kicked in the stomach and punched in the face before and this felt worse. JJ had been on again off again with Will LaMontagne for the last few years and that was the only logical person she could think of. Why had she gone and given herself hope like that? Sighing, she turned away from the girl who had just broken her heart and replied "I thought Will was going to be at the party? Or at least that's what Derek told me.". JJ, who up until this point had stayed standing, sat on the edge of her best friends bed. She turned her head to the side slightly in confusion.  
"Will? Why would I care about where Will is? We broke up months ago you know this.".

"Well I assumed you'd wanna tell him you're in love with him." Emily mumbled, suddenly becoming enthralled with a piece of thread in her quilt cover. JJ, finally understanding what Emily had interpreted from her confession, exclaimed in an exasperated tone "Oh my god you are such a fucking idiot sometimes." This caught the brown eyed girls attention as JJ continued "I left the arts night in such a hurry after hearing your song because I thought it was about me. 'She's smells like lemongrass and sleep, she tastes like apple juice and peach'. All I had in my head was that my shampoo smells like lemongrass and you know apple juice and peach are my favourite after school and after soccer snacks. I bolted because I thought my best friend was in love with me after being in love with her for so fucking long." Emily didn't realise it but she had started to move towards JJ seemingly captivated by what the girl had to say. When she heard those words though she could have cried, she could have shouted, she could have sang every love song she's ever heard. She didn't do any of those, what she did do was not react at all. She froze. She couldn't speak.

JJ didn't notice the other girls inability to function and continued ranting. "I freaked out all I could think was 'No Jennifer you're making something out of nothing. She didn't write that song for you, you're just kidding yourself. She doesn't actually love you'. The more I thought about that song the more it hurt and the more confused I felt so that Saturday I managed to convince my parents to take us on our annual holiday early. The holiday helped me clear my head and for the first time in two weeks I wasn't confused anymore. I knew I was gay and I couldn't keep denying it, not anymore. There were four things I knew for certain. The first, that running away and ignoring you was the fucking worst and most selfish thing I could do. The second thing I knew for certain was that Penelope is going to lose her shit when she finds out that I was and am so fucking enamoured, taken with, enchanted, bewitched, entranced, head over heels in love with you." As JJ said each synonymous word for being in love with such brightness in her eyes Emily couldn't help herself. It happened so quickly that she hadn't realised she was moving until she placed her hands on either side of JJ's face disrupting the smaller girls heartfelt, loving rant and pulled her towards her. Emily's lips met JJ's in a tentative, slow kiss and all that ran through her head was 'what the actual fuck is happening.' 2 hours previous to this moment Emily was lying in her bed sulking about the very girl she was now sitting on her bed kissing.

Pulling away from the other girl slowly she realised JJ's eyes were still closed. Emily rested her head on JJ's shoulder and as soon as it brushed against the blonde girls cheek she continued "The third thing I was completely certain of was that you had not written that song about me, but I think I might have to re-evaluate that." JJ heard Emily giggle and to her it sounded like the most incredible noise in the world because it meant the girl she loved was laughing because of her and JJ wanted to hear that for the rest of her life. JJ thought maybe she should make that her third certainty.

JJ made Emily lift her head up so she was sitting up again and looking her in the eyes. Noticing the nervousness on Emily's features she spoke with a new found urgency "The fourth thing that I'm completely, 100%, certain of is that I want to hear you laugh and I want to be the reason for your laugh, for the rest of our lives." Emily could feel the heat rising from her cheeks she couldn't believe this was happening. When she heard JJ knock on her window earlier she expected yelling, apologising, some tears and maybe a make up hug and while the majority of that had happened she never once thought she was going to kiss Jennifer Jareau and hear her say the words she'd been hoping, almost foolishly, to hear for years tonight. She looked into JJ's eyes with astonishment and wonder and realised she couldn't find the right words to say so she didn't say anything. Instead she reached up and tangled her hands into the blonde mess of hair, as JJ's hands reached for her waist, and pulled the smaller girl in for another kiss. This one got a little more heated than the last and Emily found herself being pushed back to lay on the bed as JJ re-positioned herself on top of her.

Just as it was getting intense Emily pulled away incredibly fast as if she just remembered something and the urgency to tell JJ outweighed the amazing make out session they were having on Emily's bed. Sitting up quickly she accidentally made JJ roll off her onto the bed where she landed to the left of Emily. "Oh my god Jayje I'm so sorry I didn't mean to get up that quickly." She said looking to her left.  
"Em, it's okay there's no need to act so frantic, what's wrong?" JJ placed her hand on Emily's shoulder which appeared to somewhat calm the other girl slightly.  
"I just, I just want to say all this before I chicken out or before you leave. I'm in love with you, Jennifer. I can't really remember a time when I wasn't and that fucking terrifies me. I don't like depending on people too much and I depend on you for almost everything. You're literally so special and I have no fucking clue how the universe came up with you or even thought I was good enough to exist at the same time as you but, god, I'm so fucking glad I do." JJ's smile got brighter as Emily went on but Emily felt her stomach drop because she knew she'd be the reason that smile left her face in a second.

"I wrote that song about you, I wrote it 2 years ago but kept it to myself. I kept it to myself because I didn't want to lose my best friend and knowing what I know now I can finally breathe, ya feel?" Emily continued as she looked JJ in the eye again. "But, what you need to know is how much it hurt, you not being here. I understand why you left and I get it, I really do but you gotta understand where I'm coming from too Jayje. I needed you and you weren't there and god it hurt me so much." Letting the tears flow freely now she had finally let everything out Emily laid back on her bed turning her head from JJ to stare at her glow in the dark solar system on her ceiling. Emily thought JJ might have been attempting to figure out a quick exit until she felt a kiss on her shoulder. Emily was shocked, she hadn't expected JJ to stick around after essentially telling her she hadn't forgiven her yet here she was, grabbing a hold of Emily's hand as if she wasn't ever letting go.

"Emily, I'm so sorry for how I've hurt you, as weak as it sounds I never intended to and I know there isn't much I can do to make up for it but please know that I will be here for you in any and every possible way I can. Please, if you still can, trust me. I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you, Em. It's up to you how you let me do that. I love you and I know I've hurt you so if you want to stay best friends or if you want me to pretend I never came here and nothing has changed I'll respect that decision." JJ's voice broke as she spoke the last sentence but she so desperately needed Emily to understand she would do anything for her, even if it meant breaking her own heart in the process. It was silent for a moment and JJ feared the worst until she heard a shaky whisper coming from Emily, "I'm like 98% sure I can't survive without you. When we first met I had no idea how important you'd be to me but I think a part of me knew I'd need you. I think a part of me knew you'd mean everything to me."

Happiness spread throughout JJ's entire body as she buried her head in the crook of Emily's neck. She felt the taller girl stiffen before relaxing and tangling their legs together. They laid in silence as the minutes ticked by until JJ raised her head and kissed Emily again before telling her. "Oh by the way, you taste like cinnamon and coffee." Emily smiled at JJ who smiled back and kissed her one last time before snuggling back into the warmth of the brunette's embrace.


End file.
